folklorist | ϡ - Chapter TwentyFour; Hello again [action/accidental voice]

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ϡ - Chapter TwentyFour; Hello again [action/accidental voice]

[ The journal might pick up rustling and a brief intake of air before turning off.

He was alive and that was the cool ground beneath him, wasn’t it? It wasn’t saturated with his blood nor was it amidst the rain forest. Instead he was staring up at that beautiful cherry blossom tree at the top of the hill. It was a startling awareness that overtook him in that brief period of time from when he opened his green eyes to sitting up. His clothes were no longer marred with the blood he had lost and looking at them, despite the lack of blood and the shock it would have brought being missing, everything still came rushing back along with the shock. He didn’t want to remember it, those teeth and those claws tearing into him. God he never wanted to remember it and yet here he was remembering like it was only yesterday. His last dying breath was while he was looking into the faces of his two best friends as he lay dying at their feet. He looked at his arms, legs, and back, hands shaking slightly before steadying. His wings were fine as well all in one piece even and he moved them just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming…

He was fine and there was no more pain besides being alive in this place again. No he can’t think like that; he had people here he had to protect and people here he cared about. It was all so…disorienting. Like countless others Helios had been brought back from the dead, like necromancy or...immortality. It was a dream many men in his world would love having. Albeit what they make you give for such a life here…was it all truly worth it?

This was Luceti. This was the town, the same town, with those same individuals that entrusted him to put up barriers to keep away their fears and add a slightly deeper sense of protection. The barriers. Green eyes widened as he realized what his death had meant. ]

Oh no.

[ He had to go…he had to go and check on them. In his attempt at getting up he’ll turn on the voice function once more on the journal. There’s more sound of movement as Helios gets up the voice function still on as he mumbles something under his breath but he doesn't turn off the feed, absentminded as usual. He’ll be stumbling down from the hill making his way towards the appropriate buildings. He had to make sure everything was in place and functioning. He didn’t know what complications his death might have caused and it was best he make sure. He shouldn’t be wandering around like this but he doesn’t care. He does care about who sees him though, so he’ll try as much as possible to steer clear of people’s view. It obviously isn’t so easy for him since he is a derp coupled with the post-return imbalance and therefore he is stumbling and not paying much attention while he’s walking. He doesn’t know about his friend’s announcement, of course, but Helios knows one of them, Frederic or Giles, would have told people by now. God he hates that he had to force that on one of them at all. He didn’t want to see them…not yet. He put them both through so much…it-it wasn’t right. And yet he was so tired and just wanted to go home. Home, home, he didn’t even know what that meant anymore, really. Was this place a home when sent into battle and never told a single thing? Was it a home when friends were made to watch those they cared about die? It wasn’t and yet he was stuck here…they all were stuck here. And he just…had to cope that’s all they could ever do.

If anyone is nearby House 7, House 55 or the Playground or just in the vicinity walking between those places you might just find that blonde haired man with green eyes stumbling and using the trees to right himself each time he does trip. He’s not…paying much attention to anything as he’s still very much out of it. Too much thinking and he obviously needs people to snap him out of it. Or not. Just another day in Luceti though and Helios is finally back. ]

((ooc; Sorry for the tl;dr, derp. Also timeline doesn't really matter since Helios will be wandering aimlessly for a few hours. Probably until nighttime. ))

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[Giles stumbles to a stop again, at that - largely because it's a loaded question that he still can't entirely deal with. His voice is shaking and unsteady when he replies.]

No.

I'll...I'll f-find you, shall I? W-Where are you? I, I can be there in just a bit.

[He needs to see Helios, needs to the point where it's a physical ache in his chest. He needs to see him in person and sit with him and hold him and reassure himself that the other is really back, that he's not just having a bad nightmare again.]

[ No? What did that mean? ]

I'm by house, house seven. [ He wants to see the other too. Probably just as painfully. So he doesn't fight it, he's too tired to. Besides he can't run forever especially in such a place like Luceti. And it's not right to keep those who he considers dear to him away. ]

[At the moment? Just stick to the fact that it means he's outside and walking, Helios. The reality is far more complicated.

Giles changes course so he's headed as quick as he can for Marauding Bridge and, eventually, House 7.]

R-Right. Um, yes. I'll...yes, I should be there shortly.

Just, um...y-yes, just s-stay there. [He doesn't say "please" again. But it's so heavily implied that he might as well have.] I'll be there.

[ But he's already been over thinking this entire time, it'd be in his best interest to stop now...obviously he won't stop. ]

I-I will. [ And he will because he's checking the barrier which is a good enough excuse to not leave. ]

[Less than ten minutes later, House 7 comes into Giles' view. He hasn't moved this fast in a very long while, running while blind tends to be a very bad idea. He doesn't care right now. His eyes have been healing more by the day anyway.

Enough to see the figure standing near House 7, enough to see that he has blond hair and are those wings gold? Please let those wings be gold...

Giles slows down and eventually stops a few feet away, staring fixedly at what he can see of his best friend.]

...Helios?

[ Giles might hear some remnants of crackling. Helios' testing the barrier and he's honest to god surprised that it's still up. Confused is probably a better word for his reaction. It made sense though...he died and then came back simple as that. He just...wasn't expecting it to work.

He'll turn at the voice behind him. ]

It's me. Giles...I-I'm so- [ he won't say sorry, not yet. ] -so glad to see you again. You have no idea. [ He probably does but Helios can't be bothered to fix it. ]

Helios...

[For a few seconds, Giles just...stares at him. Waiting, on some level, for him to disappear and be gone again. And when it slowly dawns on him that Helios isn't going to do that, he wipes fiercely at his eyes, looking and sounding as though he honestly is going to cry.

It's probably a bad idea, what Giles does next. It's a bad, stupid, selfish idea, knowing what he knows about Helios and his life. But the former Watcher honestly can't stop himself, right there and then, he's not even thinking about it. So his next move is to step nearer, carefully wrap his arms around Helios and just...hug him.]

...I missed you.

[He has some idea, Helios. You can probably tell as much from the hug.]

[ He doesn't deserve that hug after everything he put Giles and Frederic through. After having them watch him die in that rain forest. He doesn't even know what happened afterwards and once he finds out it'll just make this so much worse. He might tense up but god it doesn't matter right now. He's just glad for all this support and that he has people here who truly care about him.

His eyes might sting but he'll force himself not to cry. It seems like that's a similar issue both of them are wrestling with right now. ]

I'm so sorry, Giles. [ He can tell from the hug. And he's actually glad he can tell even if by action alone. ]

Don't. [Giles holds Helios a little tighter, very briefly, just to drive home the point that he does deserve this hug. He deserves hugs and tea and cake and all the good things in the world.

He pulls back after that, wipes at his eyes again even as a few stray tears do escape. But he's smiling, a genuinely happy if somewhat shaky smile. And he keeps a light hold on one of Helios' hands.]

Y-You're back. You're home. That's...that's what's important. And, a-and it wasn't your fault, whatever you're blaming yourself for.

You have nothing to apologize for.

[ Helios doesn't say anything just yet. He just closes his eyes and lets out a few shaky breaths, trying in a feeble attempt to steady himself. He opens them again to see those stray tears and he can feel a few of his own. He just wipes them away, a short laugh. ]

I put you both through so m-much. You...you had to watch and I-I couldn't, couldn't protect you both. I tried. But you're alive, both of you, you-you made out f-fine.

[ Well to a certain degree. That he's grateful. At least that not everything he did was in vain. ]

You didn't "put" either of us through anything.

You protected us. God, you saved us, Helios. Neither of us would have made it that night if not for you.

[He'll start carefully guiding Helios towards the front steps of the House. He's pretty sure that Buffy wouldn't mind, and they both need to sit.]

If you put us through anything, it was the waiting. And that was hardly your fault.

[Giles' expression darkens slightly, despite himself.] It, it was the fault of those...those things.

A-And if anyone owes an apology, Helios...it's me.

[ He follows taking in those words. He knew how hard it was to watch someone you cared deeply for die right before your very eyes. He knows the pain and fragmentation it can cause to a person. The isolation it might make one seek. He hated knowing that it might have happened to Frederic or Giles.

A slight hunch of shoulders and a shiver as Giles mentions them. Shift hunters, they'll probably be the main focus of many nightmares to come. Another reason he's so insistent on not going home and resting. ]

Why? Why are you saying that?

[Isolation has been the name of the game this past week. There have been moments, good moments. There's also been too much waiting and too much quiet in the hallways outside the Battle Dome clinic.

Giles eases Helios down onto the steps, then takes a seat beside him. Closer than usual - this is how he gets when he's upset. He clings.]

I shouldn't have asked...w-what I did of you. I sh-shouldn't have done w-what I did, at the end. It just made everything...wrong, and worse, and complicated.

[He squeezes Helios' hand, almost convulsively.] God, I hurt you, and Frederic, and Don, and...I w-wasn't myself. I sh-shouldn't have, shouldn't have t-taken your powers...n-no matter how bad it was.

[ Usually Helios would be uncomfortable, withdrawn even, from such close proximity but not now. He watches Giles noting the man's tone and expression. ] I gave it to you because I wanted to. If it was anyone's fault it'd be mine. I-I should have realized what so much power could do to someone who wasn't accustomed to using it. There wasn't anything I could, could do though. There wasn't anything either of us could do.

[ The hand squeeze might get Helios to shift. But He'll manage to use his free hand to squeeze Giles' own. A shake of his head. ] It's not your fault. You both would have died otherwise. It was just a decision in the heat of the moment. How could we have known what it was going to do?

[It's several seconds before Giles can reply, several seconds where the only thing he can do is try to get his breathing under control.]

...I did try.

I tried to, to protect everyone. Just, just like you asked me to.

A-And I don't remember much about the last day, but...I d-don't think I did. O-Or I did, but Paprika tells me I...w-went about it the wrong way. [Even now, he's not sure if he believes her. He just knows how Helios would have preferred things to go.]

Frederic in particular is, um, v-very upset with me.

I know you would have. I-I know you did.

The wrong way? [ Did that mean...? No, oh no. ] You mean you...you hurt them?

[ Understandable but Helios has a thing about violence. Even if he killed countless shift hunters he still felt...remorseful about it to a certain degree while he did it. Somehow he finds Giles having any remorse after he died to be difficult to believe. ]

I-I'll talk to him. I have to talk to him anyway, eventually. I didn't want this to happen between us. It wasn't...it wasn't supposed to happen, none of this. I should have realized what it would do to you. I'm such an idiot.

[ He sounds so tired it's clearly evident in his tone and now hunched posture. This war tearing them apart like this. It wasn't right. ]

[Giles slowly nods.] Just...just the Third Party. Not, not any of ours', not the villagers...except Don, but that was just because it was probably a bad idea to, to use your teleportation magic on a turtle. And...and Frederic.

But, um, yes. I killed...any one of the Third Party that I could. Especially the Shift Hunters. I...[Felt how much they scared Helios.]...it felt like something I just...had to do.

[Giles still isn't sure what he feels about that night and the following day. He regrets that he acted like he did, regrets that he was seen that way, that he hurt and terrified his friends...

...it's only recently that he's even started to consider that killing all the soldiers he did was anything other than a necessary evil. That they might not have...deserved to die, even if they had to die for the sake of him and his friends.

Not the Shift Hunters, though. Those he has no regrets about slaughtering.]

Please, Helios, please don't blame yourself. It's, I didn't think it was a, a process that even existed in your world. Apart from having it done to you a total of twice, I...don't expect you to understand all the, the ramifications that are involved.

I thought I would. And I was proven...very wrong in very short order. And for that, I...can't ever apologize enough.

I wish I could even blame my actions on something as simple as arrogance. But I was just...desperate and not thinking.

You weren't to know. Especially not then. [Giles lets out a shaky sigh, keeping a light, very light, hold on Helios' hand in an attempt to steady himself. An attempt to reassure himself that Helios, at least, is listening.

And it hits him then and there that he can't carry the entire burden for that night and expect Helios not to blame himself in turn. They don't...work that way. He knows that, now.]

War is a tragedy and a perversion that, that makes people act in desperation and m-make mistakes they might not make in, in peaceful times.

We did our best. We had the best intentions.

[ That's a relief, certainly. But he can't imagine how Giles must have looked acting like that. He...he doesn't want to think about it really. ]

Sh-shift hunters. I-I can't, I can't say I'm not surprised. [ He doesn't know but every time mentioning them just sends a shiver down his spine. ]

I didn't want you to get revenge but protect people, Giles. I know it was hard, incredibly hard, and I'm not mad that you did what you did. [ If it had a been a different scenario he might have been mad. Mad and afraid at the abuse of power to kill others. But instead he's just...sad but not mad. Sad that his powers had to used like that. ] Desperation and fear can change a person into something completely different.

I don't understand the process but perhaps if I had I might...I might no have tried to give you so much of my power. Would it have made a difference, I'm not sure really.

[ He nods silent for a few moments. ] That's all I had intended, we, had intended. It seems like those intentions are always turned around in this place.

[Giles, for his part, doesn't...really know how badly he came off to the other villagers who saw him that day. It's all a blur of unpleasant sounds and hazy, unclear sights. But there are plenty who could tell Helios just how Giles looked while he was cutting a bloody swathe through the rain forest.

He shakes his head.]

I'm...n-not that sort of person, Helios. Not the sort that...kills as, as indiscriminately as I did that day. I'm not...[He lets out a shaky sigh, his entire body shuddering at the motion.] I'm not...s-saying that I haven't killed people before, that I haven't meant to kill people before. Because I have.

[But that's the difference - normally, Giles considers very carefully before he takes a life that isn't vampire or demon, and he regrets.]

...but I thought I was protecting people. I really did, Helios. And I understand if you can't, can't accept or forgive how I acted. And I know that, when all is said and done, I'm just...just making useless excuses.

But I want you to know why, at least.

[It's clear that he's still bracing himself for a fight, for harsh words, on par with the fight with Frederic that's led to him leaving home, though.]

I-I don't want to say your actions were justified. But I know you wouldn't, wouldn't have done it. You weren't yourself. [ He doesn't expect that next part though. Helios' eyes widen a little too at the confession. ]

But there's certain circumstances you can't help prevent. Certain things that...that must drive someone to making such a decision. You were protecting them Giles, you were.

[ Helios shakes his head. ] There's nothing to forgive. I don't want to fight with you or hate you for this either. I just...I want everything to go back to the way it was.

[ He sounds sad because it's torn them apart and he's not sure if anything is going to fix it. He's too tired when all is said and done. Too worn from what happened and that he's even here, alive, listening to this. ]

They weren't. [They might have been necessary, he's still relatively sure they were necessary. But they weren't justified.] They weren't, and...I do wish I hadn't done what I did, Helios. When, when I have, in the past, it's...it's because they've been a threat, Helios. I was...n-no one else should have had to...

[He needs to stop excusing himself, he knows. By rights, he should just...stop talking and let Helios deal, give Helios space to process all the horror Giles has just dumped on him.

But he does regret what transpired, in the recent past and the distant past - if not that he did what he did, certainly that it had to happen in the first place. And it's important to him that Helios knows that.]

...so do I. I, I wish it could, Helios, that's...all I've been hoping for this past week, to be honest. S-Still...

...it might, might take a while. It, um...m-mostly depends on when Frederic decides that he can forgive me f-for...for what I did.

[Giles, for his part, sounds rather less tired but thoroughly miserable saying all of this. Still incredibly nervous, as well - there's the fear that, at any second, Helios will stop being so, so understanding and kind about everything.

He's not sure he could stand it if Helios got upset with him like Frederic did.

Giles rests his head in his hands, laughing bitterly.]

God, I'm just...talking, on and on. This, this isn't what you wanted to hear an hour after you got back, I'm, I'm sorry, Helios...for what it's worth, I meant to wait until we'd at least stopped by the bakery to, to dump this all in your lap.

But you have remorse for your actions. I-I think that's just as important if not more so than being justified.

[ Because a person's sense of justice can be warped and twisted. A person's guilt and remorse is usually all the same when you looked at it. H-he will. I-I'm sure he will. [ Helios hopes. Perhaps if he talks to Frederic he can at least allow Giles back into the apartment.

Helios just hunches at that bitter laugh. It really...wasn't what he wanted to hear. But it was bound to be heard anyway eventually. He just wished it was good news instead of well, whatever this was. The Bakery god now that he thinks about it he is famished; his stomach hurting is valid proof enough of this. ]

Where have you been staying?

Still in Building Seven. Just, um, in room two, on the ground floor. I, I know the area around there better than anywhere else in the village by now, a-and there's the boat, and [and he wanted to at least be nearby, if not actually allowed to live with them two of them again] it was just...easier.

[Giles watches Helios carefully for a second, as best he can. Which is actually pretty well, by now - his eyes have healed enough that the world is more of a smudged water color painting by Claude Monet than a half seen, half real nightmare world of light and shadows.

He takes that second to steady himself. Giles knows that he can't let himself fall apart this way, not when Helios is so obviously, understandably, and justifiably hurting. He owes Helios that much, not just for what happened that night, but for everything before. Helios is his friend, and at the very least Giles can take his own advice. Neither of them can carry the weight of the world, hard as they might try. But Giles can shoulder a bit more of it, while Helios finds his footing back in the world again.

So he smiles - a sad and shaky smile, but a genuine one nonetheless. He gets to his feet, stretching in the sun, and speaks with a levity he doesn't feel but can certainly try for.]

So why don't we start over? Why don't we stop by the bakery, and I can tell you the bits of good news that have come to light this week? Believe it or not, there have been a few hopeful instances.

[He offers Helios a hand up.] Maybe Seventh Heaven later, for some proper food.

You shouldn't have been alone. [ He says it in a sad way, in a way that he himself actually has been through the same thing. Except he knows Giles has friends here, unlike him after Elise died, but being by yourself and cast out after the death of some dear to you...the likeliness of their situations almost made him sick.

Helios looks up, watching Giles as he smiles probably for him. A good front, a front Helios appreciates. It's the best they both can do at the moment and the mentioning of the bakery makes him realize it's been a week since he last ate. So he's considerably more hungry than normal. ] The bakery. That does sound nice. Never can resist it. It's not fair you're using my weakness against me.

[ Helios manages a light chuckle, but it's genuine, more genuine than he thought possible at the moment. He'll take Giles' hand something he wouldn't normally do, given who he is, and he gets shakily to his feet. ]

Dessert before dinner...mm. I should try doing that more often.

I can manage on my own, Helios. Honestly, I'm used to it. [Which isn't to say that he's enjoyed his partially self imposed exile from room twenty two. Quite the opposite. He wants to come back - that isn't even in question.] Besides, it's, um, it's not as though I've been hiding away. I've, I've been around. Meeting people. Including some friends of yours'. [Robert actually hit the nail on the head on that count - Giles knew that Helios wouldn't want him to be alone. Even beyond that, there was the entire crisis with Kennedy that couldn't be ignored. A crisis that did, at least, eventually lead to a new understanding with Buffy.

But it's been a week and Frederic hasn't given back his watch and, if Giles is perfectly honest with himself, he's starting to give up hope. Still, maybe Helios being back will let things be a little more normal.]

I'm hardly exploiting your weaknesses, Helios. On the contrary, it could be said that I'm enabling them. [Now that they're both back on their feet, Giles will start leading the way back towards the plaza and the Bakery. Well..."leading" in the sense that he can still walk next to Helios.] Especially because eating dessert before dinner is generally considered to be a horrible habit that's bad for your health. My own mother would roll over in her grave if she knew I was doing this.

[He's teasing. It's helps him, at least, it usually does, and Giles' tone softens just so there's no misunderstandings.] But I would say that you deserve some enabling and some indulgence. Especially today.

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