folklorist | ϡ - Chapter ThirtyEight; Interested questions [Action|Voice] (backdated to the 18th)

[ Helios has just gotten back from his most recent mission and he has comeback with a bit more than a few scratches. He’ll be making his way back towards house forty-four as he was deposited in the town square with his makeshift sling. His arm was broken in the final day’s fight and he might have some slash marks across his upper torso from shift hunters. He looks bruised, worn, and extremely tired for a man of his age far too old and far too gone to ever get back his lost youth. And yet, and yet he still manages to smile and keep on going. But he’s not going to make mention of those injuries delivered by the shift hunters or the nightmares that are likely to follow tonight. He should really not sleep at the house but he has nowhere else to stay. Maybe the clinic could work…

His arm he can’t really hide, although, he does stop by the clothes shop to pick up a new coat to hide his arm under. There’s stiffness to his step as he makes his way back to House 44 most likely too out of sorts to really try to go off the well trotted path, making him a very easy target. He’ll walk slowly inside, making sure not to disturb anyone as he enters. It’s only in the afternoon where his voice will come over the journal. ]

It’s strange isn’t it? Knowing how small ones planet can be here. I-I mean there are so many other places and beings here from worlds unknown. It makes you wonder just who is out there on this planet as well. S-So many other villages probably and who knows if there’s other versions of ourselves or even p-people we know in our worlds. I-I’m not sure if there can be two versions of one person in the same plane of existence. I’ve known it to happen and nothing good has ever come of it unfortunately. If you met yourself one day…and you were an entirely opposite person it would be strange, wouldn’t it?

[ A pause as there’s a finger tapping against a table on his end. A sigh before the tapping stops and there’s some shuffling as a book in taken out of a shelf and then placed on the table with a thump. The turning of pages fills the silence for a short amount of time before there’s another reply. ]

They say seeing ones doppelganger is an omen. I’m not sure if that’s true or not but…has anyone ever encountered something like a double of themselves before? There are myths and legends in my w-world about them but, well, I’d be curious to know if anyone else has something similar. Fetches, Fylgia, vardøgers. Ah. There are so many instances of doubles.

Oh! Yes before I forget. [ Said with a tiredness to his voice which is masked underneath all that excited air. ] Speaking of myths and legends the book club has been on an-an extended hiatus these past few months. But, well, I’ve recently taken up the duty of running the library a-and well the book club as well. A-Anyone who has an interest to read or loves to do so is very much welcomed to join us; we meet on the third Thursday of every month. It’s open to everyone here of course and I might be trying s-something new for this next meeting of ours. Especially to all you newcomers out there I-I’m sure you’re all wondering what there is to do here. We, um, d-do try to make things for people to join in on this is one such case. A-And if there’s anything either I or anyone else in Welcome Center can do to help don’t hesitate to ask! [Not as though Helios can be of much help right now as it is. But that's hardly ever stopped him before. ]

It’s, um, a pleasure meeting you all and welcome to Luceti. I-I know it's probably hard, getting used to this place, but everyone here is very nice s-so there's no harm in asking questions or needing help doing something. We're all very open towards helping one another.

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[ Helios might hunch and cringe a little at that tone of voice Robert has. He didn't mean for you to sound like that at all Robert. Gods he doesn't mean to be so difficult when it comes to this. ] It's n-nothing you have to do.

[ A true statement to be certain. It was really all Helios. Always Helios. A product of one of his many anxieties and phobias instilled in him by Nero and his own mistakes. ] It's...really all me. Because I just...

[ can't forgive himself. He's far too hard on himself to ever allow himself to be loved. He doesn't deserve...no. No he can't keep doing that to himself. ] I-I don't know.

[Very quietly:] I... I know, Helios...

I know what you... b-blame yourself for...

And yet... I have not left. Can you... a-accept that I care for you, even knowing?

[ A wince and nod as he bites his lip. ] O-Of course I c-can...

[ Though he hardly knows or understands why. After everything he's put you through... ]

Then, logically, why can you not accept that you are worth being cared for, despite... d-despite what has happened?

[It baffles him, but at the same time he knows he does something similar. Perhaps knowing Helios' reasoning will help him know his own.]

B-Because I'm not. [ He'll cover his mouth with his hand when he says that. Tiredness and an already prevalent absentmindedness making him say things he normally won't. He'll purse his lips looking away as he does so. ] I've-I've always been told o-otherwise. For, for all my life I've never once had anyone say otherwise. And I...I always thought it was true.

[ Because it was. He had committed the most atrocious act one could possibly commit. He didn't think anyone should care about him at all. Helios looks away blinking back tears from the stinging sensation in his eyes. ]

[Robert's expression twists slightly with anguish, but he doesn't say anything until Helios finishes.]

... Until... [Until me?] Until L-Luceti?

...

... You know what I think, Helios. You... you know my rationale.

You are... not a cruel or dangerous person. You never have been...

[Not willingly, anyway. And Robert refuses to contemplate those moments.]

[ Helios own expression doesn't change but he doesn't see Robert's either. He'll hunch a little, face twinging with pain, as he uses a bruised and broken shoulder for the action. ] Until L-Luceti, yes.

[ Frederic. Ginia. Giles. Grune. Robert. That's more people than he could ever count to ever care about him before. ]

I-I know your rationale R-Robert. [ He does and doesn't at times. It's harder for him to accept that he isn't horrible or terrible. But it's been getting easier these past two years, despite the hiccups and failings he's had along the way. ] Sometimes it's just...hard believing that.

[That last sentence, so faintly murmured, stops Robert in his tracks. He's the same, isn't he? He can't really criticize... not when he does the same thing.]

...

I understand.

I just... [How can he word this?] I want you to... c-care about yourself...

[Because he can't do it for Helios no matter how hard he tries.]

S-Sorry. I-I'm sorry. [ Helios will just not look at Robert at those words. He'll bite his lip and muse to himself after awhile. He should take care of himself more, he knows that, because there are people here who care and worry and it's not fair what he does to them by not checking in on himself... ]

I. I can t-try to, to do so. [ But he's not sure how well he'll be at it and that realization is very sad indeed. ]

[Isn't it? It's so very sad when, after years, Helios still has trouble telling himself he's a human being.]

... I think everybody would... would w-want that, Helios.

ϡ - Chapter ThirtyEight; Interested questions [Action|Voice] (backdated to the 18th)

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